Self-image: The importance to take action where we can and to accept when we can't

I know this post is long winded but I hope those reading will manage to stick around to the end.
It's funny how people can be when it comes to looking at themselves and what they see.  It seems that people have the ability when looking at themselves in the mirror to focus in and fixate on the one thing or things about themselves that drives them crazy.  For some people its a specific feature, maybe their nose, or how their eyes are set or the way their ears stick out too much.  For others it can be the color tone of their skin, be it too fair or too dark, or if they have a lot of freckles.  One that seems to be the most common is how people view themselves with regards to their weight, it seems almost everyone wishes they either weighed a little more or a little less.  When it comes to self-image we seem to be able to stick the knife in, but also twist it better and more cruelly than any bully or mean-spirited person could ever accomplish.
So where is this coming from?  Well the other day I was finally getting around to putting together some photo albums of the girls first year.  As I was doing this I came across a picture of my wife and her sister up in Penticton pushing their strollers along the lake shore.  Now, not being in this picture didn't seem strange to me because there have been lots of times my wife has gone up to visit her family and I've stayed behind to do some extra meds and tune myself up.  What did seem strange was that I didn't recognize the third person walking with them.  It took some time until I suddenly realized that this stranger walking with my wife and my sister-in-law was in fact me.  I was dumbstruck, I couldn't believe how terrible I looked.  Now I know what lots of people are thinking, similar to a mirror, there are a lot of pictures that are taken of us that we look and go "No, I can't look like that" or "There's no way that shirt looks that bad" etc, etc, etc.  But that wasn't the case here, I honestly did not recognize my own self in this picture.  Now in fairness this picture was taken in month two of new born twins, I was exhausted and if I recall correctly began IV meds not too long after.  However, the cold hard truth is that the person in this picture did not look like a well person.  In fact, not trying to be too harsh, he looked like a skeleton draped in skin and little else.
In general, I'm someone who is probably more comfortable with my self image than most.  This probably stems from the same pragmatism that has been so invaluable when dealing with my CF. My appearance is what it is, better to accept it then to beat the hell out of myself.  I've got enough beating me up as it is :).  I can only imagine how hard it must be for the parents of children with CF as they watch their children deal with this condition, because the honest truth is that it is rarely a condition that is flattering to ones appearance.  I remember having a conversation a number of years ago with my friend Eva.  We were discussing who it's harder on when it comes to appearance and the impacts of CF, men or women.  I felt it had to be women as, in my opinion as unfair as it may be, it seems women are more often judged for their appearance then men.  Eva disagreed as she felt at least women have the ability to cover up their appearance with make-up and accessories.  It was just the typical sort of conversation we'd have as we always seemed to feel that there was some other person who had it tougher regardless of how bad our own situation was.  I only wish more kids with CF would be blessed with this type of outlook on life.
I guess the point of today's blog is a call to everyone to realize that you are not the only one dealing with self-image issues.  As the saying goes, to a man, or woman, every person on this planet has something they don't necessarily like about their appearance.  It's on us as individuals and realizing what of these are things we can actually do something about.  After that it's equally important to do one of two things, if there is nothing you can do about it, do your best to accept and not beat yourself up about it.  Or two, get off your ass and take action.  It's especially important for us as parents to do this so that we can try our best to instill this outlook on our children.  In March, I looked at the mirror and was embarrassed at the gaunt face looking back at me, I tipped the scales (or perhaps more accurately, maybe they tipped me) at 128 lbs.  Now 3 months later, I've put on over 25lbs and have been working out consistently with both cardio and weights.  I know that I'm not done, there's still work to be done, but I'm proud not only of what I've accomplished, but how I look too.  Thanks for taking the time to read this.

NIght guy fun and Morning Guys problems

I guess it's time for a little update since I haven't posted in like 3 weeks.  Damn time flies.  Now for those who have been reading this blog before they know that I've said in the past when I don't post it's usually that I'm avoiding it because I don't want to have to own up to the fact that maybe I haven't been giving it my all.  Well, not this time.  The truth is, for the last three weeks, and more specifically I've been busting my hump trying to all all the marks, parenting - exercising - eating - sleep - work, and so far so good.  We hit up the Zoo and promptly bought ourselves seasons passes as the girls absolutely loved it.  We also got to have some good family fun with easter egg hunts and trips to Costco with Grandma and Grandpa.

I've also been back at work now for two weeks trying to work hard to clean up the mess I left for everybody when I had to disappear for four weeks.  I've been hitting the gym three days a week and also cranking out some solid cardio four times a week.  The diet has kept up, I'm sitting at around 146lbs now and am only four pounds from my minimum weight threshold I like to be at and 14lbs from my max goal.  The truth is the last time I hit 160 is almost a decade ago and while it may not be realistic, it's a target to keep looking towards.  

To be honest, the part that has been the hardest in all this is the sleep part, not that I struggle with falling asleep, I just really really suck at getting my butt into bed.  There's a Seinfeld bit where he describes it perfectly, I'm night guy, night guy never wants to go to bed.  Now getting up after five hours sleep, Oh, that's morning guys problem, not my problem, I'm night guy.  So I've been trying to make sure I start my night shake no later than quarter to ten and my light is out no later than eleven.  It really shouldn't be so hard, but it's something I really struggle with and know that if I'm gonna have the energy to do the other things above, I'm going to need the proper rest.

There is a reason for this push to see if I can handle this work load.  After my last clinic I was somewhat underwhelmed with my latest PFT results and looking at my trend over the last 5 and ten years there is a clear and overall decline.  Not too serious yet, but something that needs to be watched.  THe subject of reducing my hours at work was lightly raised by my CF doc.  Now, at some point the reality has always been out there that I will have to scale back my workload, maybe work a few less hours per week, but in my mind right now, I'm not at that point yet. So, hence the push to see if I hit all the right marks when it comes to my health AND still get to have that crucial quality time with my fam, can I also handle a full time work load. In my mind I have little doubt that I can.  Until next time.

Flipping the Switch

So the other night I had my parents over for dinner and we were discussing how things were going in my latest attempt at getting back into good shape.  It led to me using the analogy of a light switch.  The truth is, so far in my life I've been really fortunate.  Up until now anytime I've let things slide, perhaps lapsed a bit on treatments, or the amount of exercising and eating I should be doing, I've always been able to right the ship simply by reestablishing good habits and a tune-up run of IV antibiotics.  Now equating it to flipping a switch might seem like I'm trivializing the effort it takes to get back in shape, or make it sound easy.  Doing everything we should for our health is never easy, that holds true for anybody, but especially for those of us with CF. The good news, is that this time, my switch still worked.  I've been managing Cardio 4-5 times a week going for 2-3 miles at a time at a really good clip.  I've also put on about a dozen pounds in the last three weeks which means I'm almost halfway to my goal weight.  I'm not writing this to brag or for some pat on the back where's my cookie type of moment.  I simply want to illustrate the two pretty important lessons I need to take from this, one positive and one a bit more ominous.  The positive, is that my switch still works, the more ominous is how many more times do I have before my switch looks like this ...

These are lessons that anyone with CF can do well to remember because the fact is, just because we bounced back last time, doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen next time too.  If I'm on the IV antibiotics too frequently the bacteria I'm culturing could eventually develop a resistance.  This means that anything I can do to extend the time between IV tune-ups becomes more and more important the older I get.  For now though, I think I'll bask in the happies, tomorrow my three ladies come home after a two week visit with Grandma and Grandpa.  I should be able to return to work within the next week or so and now that the train is back on the rails, I'm gonna do my best to keep it there for as long as I can.

Don't Call it a Comeback ... (And my thoughts on Change)

Has it been that long since I last did this ... whats that you see more than half a year?  Pfft there's not really much difference between a few weeks and over 7 months is there?  First things first, thanks to everyone who encouraged me to get back to writing these, it meant a lot to know there were people out there that wanted to see how things were going.

Anywho, I don't have any really epic stories of supreme highs or devastating lows.  Mostly things have been even keel for the most part, though that keel has been slightly listing to port and taking on water bit-by-bit since my last IV run in July.  As a result both the lung function and the weight have plunged back into the not so good and that means its time to get back onto the magic juice that is Miropenum and Tobramycin.  On the good side it means in less then a few weeks my energy level will be back up, I won't be out of breath just getting up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and I won't look quite so much like this guy...

I exagerate and use hyperbole for effect but, when the truth of the situation hits a little too close to the exageration that's when it's time to get off my butt, hunker down and get back to work.  That means forcing in the calories (I know, I know, woe is me I have to eat fatty foods most people would die for), back to the gym (3 times this week and counting) and time to ramp up the cardio again.

What got me back to writing was reading a friends blog about some of the recent changes coming in the states for CFF events.  Now the truth is, these changes have been in place at most hospitals and CF events here in Canada for a while.  The basic gist seemed to be the following (forgive me if there's anything wrong here), at events only one CFer present at an indoor event at any one time, nobody with a history of Cepacia, minimum 6 feet distance should be maintained between any two CFer's at out door events.

Now all this combined with me being back on the juice got me thinking about something.  I have a confession to make and it is going to come as a shock to those who know me fairly well, I ... wait for it ... am not a huge an of change.  I know, minds blown, right?  I wouldn't be too surprised to find out most Fibro's and Cyster's as well as any parents that have a big hand in their day-to-day care are not overly keen on change, especially when it has anything to do with their care.  Our initial reaction is one of instant push back, no way, not doing it I want my old way back.  But in truth, rarely are these changes earth shattering, nor do the affect us that much.  My own recent change came when I started this recent run on the IV.  I learned that my days of carrying around the man purse are no more.  The reasons were legitimate, but even still my initial reaction was not one of instant and gracious acceptance.  What that means is that every one of my doses has to be administered via the IV pole, meaning that 4 times a day I'm not going anywhere for the next hour.  It also means that I can't just sleep and let the machine take care of things.  I have to set an alarm, get up go downstairs do my dose and then head back up to bed.  Luckily, I don't usually experience much difficulty with interrupted sleep.  Is there more hassle, a bit, but there are good things about it too.  It means helps me to keep to a regular eating schedule.  Since I rarely am hit by that whole feeling of hunger as a sign of it being time to eat, whenever I am dosing, I make sure I take that as a cue that it's time to have a meal.

Now as an honorable send off to the great man purse that was my CAD Prism pump, my top three stories that it provided me with.

1) During the Vancouver Olympics it allowed me to enter GM Place ahead of all the lines and people waiting outside in the cold.  It also allowed Carrie and I chance to be the only ones witnessing Jaromir Jagr's pre-game ritual of running stairs about five feet away from us.

2) Going into a movie on opening night and having the usher stop me because he thought I might be smuggling in a camcorder or something.  Almost felt bad when I saw his face blanch as he turned white as sheet looking in at the tubes and wires and what not.

3) The classic first time I did home IV and saw a small amount of air in my tubing.  I looked in the manual and all it said was call 911.  I made the call and proceeded to sit on the front stoop.  Fairly classic moment when within a few minutes I was looking at 2 fire trucks, 2 ambulances and whole bunch of confused EMS workers when I said I was the one they were here for.

Well, there we go.  Back to it.  If you read this far thanks for sticking with it through my ramblings and until next time, which I promise will be less than 7 months from now.